alt_justin | Order Only: the Diadem

Hello, everyone,

I say, we're one closer to our goal. Today, Ron, Harry and I destroyed Ravenclaw's diadem. (I say, sorry, Luna. Oh, and Charlie, I do apologise if it makes negotiations more difficult with the goblins. It did look goblin-made, what, but since it was decidedly another horcrux, perhaps they won't mind.)

I don't want anyone to panic, but we used Fiendfyre. It went better than I rather expected, what, though it was still--well, I say. We did it, anyway, and the secret room helped us keep the fire from spreading.

Ron sustained a few burns and Sally-Anne thought it best to take me to the Hospital Wing for mine. I'm back in my dormitory now. I've got a salve for the shoulder but it jolly well hurts, even with that. The hand.... Well, I can write, as you can see, though not as steadily as one might wish. But Healer Patil says I ought to see marked improvement by morning and if I continue with the ointment, it will be fully healed by next week. It seems I'll have a jolly handsome scar, which he was quick to assure me will make me quite fascinating. He was equally quick to tell us not to try this sort of spellwork again without proper supervision, however.

At any rate, no lasting harm was done and the diadem is well and truly gone now.

-Justin

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From:

alt_justin

Sally-Anne,

Thank you, for coming so quickly. And for telling Hydra about it.

I say, Healer Patil is nothing like Padma, is he?

-Justin

From:

alt_sally_anne

No, he's quite decent. He was one of the Healers at Ollerton. I can't remember if I told you about that bit, I mean you sort of had your own problems. But he's nothing like Padma.

From:

alt_justin

Oh, no--you never said, just that you'd already reported on your own. I know it was bally well awful for all of us. You were euthanising patients, weren't you? Was he simply kinder than necessary to the muggle and muggleborn patients in his care, or was he protecting them from questioning, as well

Whatever it was there, he went out of his way to include you in today's adventure, what.

-Justin

From:

alt_sally_anne

Yes, I was. I was fairly certain he was, as well.

He also -- you know, we were all there when they -- he saw Padma at it. He looked every person she killed was ripping out another piece of his soul.

Anyway. Yes. I suppose after we'd worked side by side at a battle, or whatever you want to say that business at Ollerton was, he felt like he could treat me as a colleague. Though mostly I think he just wanted a tactful way to let you know that he wasn't going to tattle on you to Dolohov but he really hopes you don't try Fiendfyre again unless Dolohov is watching over you.

From:

alt_justin

Dux,

You won't mind if I have to beat away the witches, all trying to get a look at my scar, what?

Only I do think it might be necessary, apparently.

Salve or no, this really does hurt. Holding the quill's no jolly holiday, either. But it's worth it to have done something good for once.

-J

From:

alt_hydra

Congratulations. You've survived a first hand encounter with a little piece of Tom Riddle's soul.

Quite the chap, isn't he?

And the scar will be very virile, I'm sure.

From:

alt_justin

Ha, another thing we have in common, now.

It's funny, love. The horcrux was trying to offer us...well, what it thought we wanted, I suppose. Power, success--a life freed from having to feel guilt or shame over our actions past and future. Ron's just said that it wasn't its words that were dangerous, what, and that's bally well true. One felt...absolved, in a way. As if one were completely within one's rights to dark arts and malice and vengeance.

And once I realised that's what it was doing, I.... I knew it was utterly untrue. I've been worried, well, you know, as we've said before--that I was becoming the monster Dolohov has been training me to be. That I was losing myself in the darkness. But I do feel remorse for the things I've done with him, what, and I think I do maintain motives that are more for good than for ill. What's more, I didn't want to feel the euphoria it was bringing on. I wanted to feel the guilt but decide on my own to set it to the side.

After that, it was simply a matter of doing what needed to be done before any of us lost our nerve.

I'm sorry, that's likely more than you needed to hear, what!

-J

From:

alt_hydra

See, that's not really at all what the diary was like. I didn't really feel attracted to it, not at first. It was much more like getting to know a real person, and I felt understood and listened to, and he kept telling me good things about myself.

The diary was more subtle, I think, but I'm not sure why. I'm glad you were able to look past what the thing was saying to you, though.

I don't know if we should use fiendfyre again. It doesn't sound very safe at all.

From:

alt_justin

Harry's just said that perhaps they know when they can take their time, the diary and the diadem and so on. That you weren't about to destroy the diary, you were too interested in it, and the same with Ginny when she found the diadem.

But it did know just what sorts of things to say, even if it wasn't particularly subtle. It was dashed perceptive, in fact. It offered me vengeance upon Auror Crouch straight away. And--it went on to talk about how what I'd done to Minister Fudge meant I was truly a dark wizard, that I couldn't be as good at dark arts if my soul weren't black and twisted.

If I'd been in another mood, what, or another sort of person, perhaps, I can see how it would have been dashed tempting to keep it and hold it to its promises.

And no, fiendfyre is decidedly not safe, even with all the precautions we could think to put in place. I shouldn't want to use it again even with 'proper' supervision. Nasty stuff, what.

-J

From:

alt_ron

Before you ask, Mum.

I'm fine.

From:

alt_molly

Of course you are. Never a moment's doubt.

(But thank you for telling me anyway.)

From:

alt_harry

Everything it said was a lie.

I hope you know that.

From:

alt_justin

Harry,

Yes. Well, some of it was merely a twisted truth, what. But none of it deserves any thought at all.

In a way, I'm bally well grateful it said all those things. Put all together like that, the whole picture was so appallingly ludicrous one had to put a stop to it.

-Justin

From:

alt_ron

It wasn't so much what it said that was

That was dangerous.

It was how it felt.

Yeah. I mean, now it's easy to see it was saying what we wanted to hear. But then...

From:

alt_justin

Yes. It's no secret that in some ways, I'd like nothing better than to take Auror Crouch to a dark alley somewhere and make sure he'll never live to hurt Daphne or anyone else, for that matter.

But it wouldn't make it right. It's necessary to neutralise him but if I did to him what Dolohov and I did to Fudge, well.... It's shocking bad form, what.

That feeling, though. I say, that's what convinced me to get a move on before any of us lost the will for it.

-J

From:

alt_ron

Yeah.

It really had its hooks in you, didn't it? Not wanting to send it away. You can see that now, yeah?

From:

alt_harry

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

From:

alt_justin

It's in the nature of the objects to lay claim to anyone who finds them, old man. No need to apologise.

We all had our moments of temptation.

-J

From:

alt_ron

No worries. It's just... Worthwhile thinking through how it managed it.

Because you know where its brain came from, right? And you're going to have to keep fighting him.

From:

alt_harry

It preyed on my fear of messing up.

Of letting the Order down.

It told me I couldn't trust my friends to do it right. To help me, even. That I had to stand on my own or I was useless.

All that from inside my trunk.

I can't believe Ginny had this thing for years. I wonder if destroying the others made this one stronger, somehow?

From:

alt_justin

I jolly well hope the remaining ones aren't getting stronger! The last one will be bally well impossible to destroy, at that rate.

-J

From:

alt_harry

It could also just be that it knew Ginny wasn't about to destroy it, and was taking its time with her.

From:

alt_justin

Hydra says the diary was more subtle with her, too, what.

I'm going to have to put the quill down, I'm afraid. My thumb is stiffening up dashed shockingly. I say, it's lucky I've only Noble Arts tomorrow, or I don't know how I shall get through lessons.

Well done, chaps!

-J

From:

alt_ron

Glad to see you can write. I mean, I wasn't so sure this afternoon.

There for a while, I though it a fair bet none of us was getting out.

From:

alt_justin

Ron,

It was a closer call than I might have expected, what. But it's all for the better this way, mate. Neither of us would have looked at all fetching in that tiara.

-Justin

From:

alt_ron

Ha. No.

You're dead right there!

Could've been amusing, watching you and Harry duel for it, though!

From:

alt_justin

Us? I say, old man, you were the one who looked about to make a grab for it!

And, by the way, I'm jolly well sorry to have been a wet blanket of late. I was rather losing sight of--of a number of things. In a way, I'm glad the horcrux blurted out all those secrets. I've been trying to think of a way to talk about them for ages, only it never seemed the right time or place, or someone else had more extensive troubles and it struck one as selfish to demand attention.

We never did all start talking on a regular basis, did we? We really should, it helps not to carry one's burdens alone. And to know that that is the right time and place to say whatever's on one's mind.

-Justin

From:

alt_ron

Yeah, I admit it was dead tempting.

And you're right we should talk more. I told Harry this morning he should tell Dovs he's going off-grounds this weekend again and taking us along. The trouble with that is that then Dovs could tell Crouch or Buckingham, and then you can guess there'll be spies looking out for us and watching where we go.

How's your hand this morning?

From:

alt_justin

It aches, but it's getting better. It was difficult to sleep last night, what--I kept turning onto the left shoulder and waking up to change position. And you?

You do understand why I kept what we meant to do secret, at least until it was done.

It may have been dangerous but I don't mind saying, your point the other day about it being worth it to help has been repeating in my head all morning.

-J

From:

alt_ron

I'm fine. I wasn't nearly as bad off as you, though, and Healing magic's a beautiful thing, eh?

You didn't hear any complaints from me about that, did you? I mean, you don't grow up at the bottom of a family like mine and have any doubts it's better to say sorry after than ask permission beforehand!

Yeah. Absolutely. Hope we get more chances to do things that're obviously right. Cause mostly it's stuff that's ugly or outright horrible, what we're meant to be doing is.

From:

alt_justin

No, no, not complaints at all, old man. I'm saying that sometimes the others - they just don't grasp that all the hand-wringing in the world isn't going to change what must be done. We had no time to bother with anyone warning us or pleading to think of an alternative.

And that's just the sort of thing the horcrux could twist, isn't it. But it's all right, what. I don't know about you but it made me more cross than anything, when it started all that 'your souls are doomed' rot.

I should love to get out of the castle again, though truth be told, as much as I enjoy spending time with you, Harry and Draco, I'd rather spend it with my wife.

That's unlikely to be an option, however. I say, it's going to jolly well be bliss when we're no longer confined to Houses and lessons and bally old Professors who think they know better. And Sandoval-Pennifold, for you!

-J

From:

alt_alice

Well done, you three.

Very well done.

...This goes without saying, but you are absolutely not going to be turning to that particular option again in the near future.

From:

alt_evelyn

That really is fantastic.

There's just the one left now, isn't there? The one Mr Malfoy thinks is Gryffindor's Penannular. Which is just unbelievable, isn't it? That we're so very close?

From:

alt_luna

I am sorry that our House has lost an important part of its history. But really we lost it years ago when the Lord Protector stuck part of his soul into it.

You did the right thing. I'm sorry you were hurt, but glad that you received the help you needed in the Hospital Wing.

From:

alt_jeremy

Quite.

Well said.

From:

alt_pansy

What did it say to you?

I mean, you don't have to say if you don't want. It just

...it seemed like it really wanted you to keep it.

And I know what that's like.

That couldn't have been easy.

From:

alt_harry

It didn't exactly talk to me. It talked to Ron and Justin, since they were the ones getting ready to destroy it. Brought up all the horrible things they'd done, called them Dark Wizards, said they should embrace it and use the power the horcrux had...

With me, it just made me feel like I couldn't trust anyone else with it. I couldn't let it out of my control. It didn't say that out loud, though. If it had, maybe I'd have seen how ridiculous that was.

From:

alt_pansy

I'm glad you trusted them, then. Because that must've been difficult to do.

And really, that's something we have, I think, that he could never truly understand. Being able to trust and love people, I mean. So I can see how it'd want to make you question it.

From:

alt_sirius

I'm glad you're going to be all right. I hope you know that was incredibly dangerous - and I'm very proud of you.

Horcruxes twist the truth to make themselves precious to their keepers. Whatever it said, it came from somewhere, but it doesn't define who you are. I know you know that but still, if it told you anything you ... want to talk about, you can tell me.

Well done, Justin.

From:

alt_justin

Sirius,

Thank you. It was dangerous but we had limited options and it was clear we needed to get it away from Harry as quickly as possible.

The funny thing is, I did know that most of what it was saying was utter rubbish. It wasn't merely words, though--it...it made one feel good about oneself. As if one need not feel remorse or guilt for having hurt people, what. I think that more than anything made me cross enough to stop it.

But, you're quite right, that they weren't all entirely lies. It did see things.

The way I blame Crouch for Hydra's mishap, what. It said, 'He killed your son. The only son you're ever going to have.'

She doesn't want any, you see. Or didn't, I don't know. A week or two ago she had a dream about it--I say, about the baby. I think it--I think she might have had a glimpse of how it would have felt to have a child. Our child.

Have you ever--I mean to say, have you ever thought you were going to be a father, and then realised you weren't? It's a dashed confusing muddle, particularly when one finds out all at once, and that one's wife had been through a trauma in the bargain. I'd thought I was--moving past it, what. Apparently not, or else the horcrux mentioning it has brought it all up again.

I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want a row. But it's dashed difficult to accept that there's any topic we can't or don't discuss.

The rest of it--taunting us with a litany of the things we've done while maintaining our cover identities, murdering Minister Fudge, assisting Professor Dolohov, reading Noble Arts--all that was much easier to hear and to reject. But if it wanted a truth it could twist, what, it certainly found one.

I hate to mention it to the others, what. Ron, Harry--they've their own burdens. I say, it's a bally well depressing topic, what, far too grave to bring up and ruin all the fun we're having here.

I feel as if one ought to simply be able to set it aside and move on. It's not as if thinking about it is going to change anything.

Oh, I say. I've run on quite a bit, haven't I. Sorry to disturb.

-Justin

From:

alt_sirius

You're not disturbing me and stop apologising for it.

I'm the one who should be apologising. I should have made more time for you at holidays, talked about what happened a little more. Fatherhood is - well, it's tricky. Yes, there was a time a few years ago when someone dear to me was expecting and thought I might have been the father. It was complicated. She was also being coerced to have sex with another man, you see, and I think on the whole she would have preferred to think her son belonged to someone who cared about her, and about whom she cared.

It didn't work out that way, but not before I'd had loads of time to consider what it would be like. I'd never wanted children, either. Coming from a family like mine - like Hydra's - you can surely understand why we're not eager to procreate. No one needs another tiny little Bellatrix in this world.

You don't need to be ashamed that you're still grieving. And I don't think you need to hide it from Hydra, either. She may want children later - she may not - but you've got loads of time to make that decision. If this pregnancy really does turn out to be the only child you'd ever have had, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you have each other.

But I get it. A muddle is right. I had time to adjust to the possibility, only to have it be taken away. You got it all at once. I know you hate hearing this one, but give it time. Don't let it shadow how you feel about Hydra.

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but try not to blame Grouch. It's no one's fault. No one knew, least of all you and Hydra. And maybe knowing would have changed things, sure, but you are both so committed to this madness, it's a fair question just how that would have played out. You'll make yourself mad with all the 'might-haves' and 'if onlys'.

You're doing all right, kiddo. You just need time.

From:

alt_justin

Yes, you're right.

It doesn't change how I feel about her, what. If we live to be a hundred and never have children, that's a fair trade, as far as I'm concerned.

It's more that I didn't want her to think I'm still cross with her. If I ever was truly cross, and not just upset or...yes, grieving. Stung, was the word I used.

And I do understand how difficult it is for her to see the good that might come from having a child. I think she was only seeing the things that can go wrong, what. One does, of course, and you've a good point about your families. But it's utterly laughable to think she and I would produce another Bellatrix, or even another Narcissa Malfoy. Not that we'd be perfect parents, what, but--she's far too good a person to treat her child with any abusiveness. I'm not sure how to convince her of that, but as you say, now is not the time.

It's true we never would have chosen this moment to start a family, if we'd had the choice. So it is 'for the best' that choice was made for us. I do try to remember that, as well.

And things could be much worse, what. Loads of people never find the kind of happiness we've had, despite the horrid circumstances in which we have it.

If...if your friend had turned out to--that is, if it had turned out to be your son, and not another's, would you have.... I say, was that before you and Remus realised how you felt about each other? If you don't mind my asking.

-J

From:

alt_sirius

It's all right, it's a fair question. Probably another 'all for the best' answer. Yes, it was before Remus and I got together - though, that's not entirely an accurate statement, since if you look at it from a certain point of view, it's always been Remus for me. And I think it's always been me for him, though I hope for his sake that's not true.

That's why it wouldn't have worked, if I'd tried to stand by her. Either Remus and I would eventually have admitted our feelings, and we'd have had two relationships caught up in our wake, or we'd have gone on as we were forever, him with Dora and me with my friend, and all been slightly miserable, until something else came along to force us to recognise what should have been obvious a long time ago.

But as it happens, I have all sorts of children. I still see the little boy now and again, and he has no idea his real father was a raping bigot. And I've got Harry and you and Hydra, if she'll have me, and even Draco and Hermione, and Albia and Adam, in their way. And Dora's still an integral part of our family. And I've Remus, as well. I'm rich.

As I said, you can drive yourself round the twist with all the 'might-have-beens'. The only way to go is forward.

Do yourself a favour and enjoy some sunshine, go for a fly or do whatever you do to take care of yourself. Enjoy being a teenager for the little while you have left. And don't feel too guilty for your part in all this. You, Hydra, Ron, Harry--all of you--you're already shouldering more of the burden than you should have to do. You've every right to indulge in the things that make you feel more human.

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Justin Finch-Fletchley

September 2015

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